Old White Guys* : The Presidents Part 1 *not the current one though

Being that this is an election year, I decided to jump the gun a little and do a Presidential blog.  My way; a few little known facts about our chief executives.

George Washington 1789-1797: First President, dancer, decorator, general, wooden teeth enthusiast, umpteenth degree Mason, etc. In all honesty, it's been down hill from here.

John Adams 1797-1801: First Vice president. Stubborn as a mule and twice as hansom. Tried to follow in cousin Samuel's footsteps; instead of beer though he tried a line of hot sauces.  After office became our first National Curmudgeon.  On his death bed, asked to be buried upside down so "Jefferson can lick my rectum."

Thomas Jefferson 1801-1809: First Secretary of State. Wrote Declaration of Independence, Louisiana purchase, expanded government, founded University of Virginia. Mistress Sally Hemmings was the half sister of his late wife Martha, but on the advice of Ben Franklin (it was ALWAYS Franklin) he shagged her anyway.

James Madison 1809-1817: Lead country through War of 1812, shortest president, wife Dolly pioneer in snack cake industry.  He kept detailed notes on the Constitutional convention as well as every short joke thrown at him during those months.   

James Monroe 1817-1825: Last founding father to be president.  Enacted Monroe Doctrine, which basically told Europe "If anyone is going to fuck up this hemisphere, it's going to be us!"

John Quincy Adams 1825-1829: Same song, different verse.

Andrew Jackson 1829-1837: First sociopath to be president.  EVERYTHING was personal for this guy. He even challenged a thunderstorm to a duel for raining on his new hat. The mere suggestion of his name makes most Native Americans flinch (see Trail of Tears).

Martin Van Buren 1837-1841: First president to have been born a U.S. citizen and the president who most resembles Ed Koch.

William Henry Harrison 1841: Last president to have been a British subject. Dead in a month. Nothing else you really need to know about him.

John Tyler 1841-1845: First Vice President to become president after death of president.  Most people thought he was just keeping the seat warm until a new election.  He did nothing to change that opinion.

James K. Polk 1845-1849: First and so far only president to have a They Might Be Giants song.  Lead country through Mexican War, got Oregon Territory.  Early pioneer of the Mullet.

Zachary Taylor 1849-1850: Looked to have been suffering from a perpetual hangover. Never registered to vote. May have been the nations first grizzled hard ass.  Died from gestural enteritis after eating cherries and milk.  So kids, remember to pit those fuckers.

Millard Fillmore 1850-1853:  Unlucky 13. Didn't meet Taylor until AFTER they were elected. 

Franklin Pierce 1853-1857: First Emo president (and God willing the last).  Only child killed in train wreck on the way to his inauguration, his V.P. died a couple months into the term. Avoided eye contact with others and tended to mumble. Wrote really shitty poetry.  Had Prozac been invented 100 earlier his legacy may have been different.   

James Buchanan 1857-1861: Didn't do shit to stop the South from seceding. So fuck him. 

Abraham Lincoln 1861-1865: See Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  

Andrew Johnson 1865-1869: Let's just say if he new about Barack Obama, he wouldn't take it well. 

Ulysses S. Grant 1869-1876: Introduced Blunts to the U.S. Was so drunk before State of the Union one year he just stared at Congress for 20 minutes before bleaching and passing out on a visiting Queen Victoria.  Grant's Tomb in NYC is a bluff, he was cremated and his ashes rolled into 100 Don Diego cigars.  

Rutherford B. Hayes 1876-1881: Was the inspiration for the modern image of Santa Claus. Lost popular vote but won electoral college, proving the flaw in the system which was soundly changed.  

James A. Garfield 1881: Remembered mainly for his love of lasagna, his hatred of Mondays, and his assassin getting a Sondheim song.    

Chester A. Arthur 1881-1885: Considered to have the best mutton chops of the day, Arthur had the radical idea of appointing people to positions based on merit and their ability to do the job rather then putting friends and family in because he felt like it.

Grover Cleveland 1885-1889, 1893-1897: Only president to serve non consecutive terms, be married in the White House, have a Muppet and cartoon Dad named after him, and was the last president to be described as "laid back".

Benjamin Harrison 1889-1893: Remember the comment I made about Hayes and the electoral college? Well it happened again.   




Part 2 coming soon. 

Ah, Marriage

I could not locate one of my in-laws. The one I've seen, my mother in law looks similar (with shorter hair I think)  As for my father in law, remove the glasses and Rollie Fingers mustache and add a pageboy hair cut/white guy afro and you're about there. 

This year my parents will have been married 35 years, my in laws 37, and Tia and I for 3.  As anyone who has been married for any length of time will tell, it ain't easy. You're trying to merge your two lives together while maintaining them separately as well.  Some times you fight and you don't even know why.  The filters are off, whatever you think and feel is going to come out.  There is no one on the planet you love more; there is no one on the planet who drives you more insane.  

To that end, Tia and I have been having couples therapy.  Now don't panic! We are not on the verge of a trial separation or anything of the like.  We didn't wait until things had gotten to a boiling point.  We've gone for it early on to nip it in the bud ASAP. A preventative strike if you will.  Our therapist has helped us get to issues in their beginnings; finding where things come from, etc.  

He pointed out this past week that we are doing things the right way instead of the easy way.  The easy way being anger.  You need to go after the hurt that is fueling it.  It happens when two imperfect people are honest with each other.  It's all worth it though, every bit of it.  

Confessions of a Gas Station Attendant

To be honest, this is not the movie character I thought I'd grow up to be. 

Here are some of the things that have happened to me at work:

-Guy paying for cigarettes with change, including clearing out the take a penny/leave a penny tray. Somehow a coin from Panama was in there.

-Two kids trying to get a discount/ free stuff because the popcorn they wanted expired that day.

-People walking right past the motor oil, then asking if we have any.

-I have smelled just about every type of weed known to humanity.

-No, we don't sell single cigars or rolling papers. We don't have matches either.

-I see more drunks before 11am then most cops do all day.

-Our car wash is possessed by some Judo-Christian demon. The doors open and close on there own, soap doesn't get sprayed off, codes aren't excepted, wash cycles don't start, and I'm pretty sure I heard it say  "There is no Dana, only Zuul."

-No, we don't have single cigars or rolling paper.

-A guy who smelled like death warmed over, left out on the couch over night, rolled in dog crap, shoved up a zebra's ass, shoved up an elephant's ass, puked up by said elephant, then based in miasma and grilled for 5 hours.  It's like he came up from his grave for coffee.

-We have coffee here for less then $2. People park by us or while their car is gassing up, and get stuff at Starbucks across the street; for God knows how much more.

-No, we don't fucking have single fucking cigars or fucking jive ass rolling papers!

-We stopped excepting Roundy's cards in January; People are still trying to use them and Rainbow hasn't said anything.

- "Why don't you have decaf?" "Well, the fact that in the 6 months I've worked here you're only the 2nd person to ask about it might be a clue."  

-Who puts an almost full coffee into a trash can that's close to overflowing so that it can spill on me?

Yeah, it's like that. 

The Return of the Roommate of the Son of Mr. Green Genes

The World's Most Dangerous Happy Meal Toy. 

After an absence of almost a year, I'm coming back to regular blogging. I think what got me away was searching for a job.  Here is a breakdown of the last year: 

-Worked for Mark "Soul Patch of Freedom" Lazarchic at Spirit Halloween MN. 

-Am now employed at Lyndale BP in Minneapolis, owned by Ben "Cool Papa" Vincent. 

-Went to three weddings in three weekends, driving to Omaha (my cousin featuring an outdoor reception in 90 degree heat/60% humidity), Grand Marais (Tia's cousin at Artist's Point on Lake Superior, I also ate a Goober Burger, maple/bacon fudge, and had the best pancakes ever), and St. John's University (Tia's boss which was a full Catholic wedding including a complete High Mass and Communion. The fact that there were chairs up front for the bride and groom should have been a tip off).  

-My brother is now a PhD. In Arts & Humanities.  Well, it's more then I've done anyway. 

-My brother in law is now an LPN. A nurse for those of you not "in the know". 

-My househusband skills have improved. (Relatively speaking)

-Played The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past for the first time in two decades.   

This happened. Not mine, but cute just the same. 

Again not mine, and again cute just the same. 

-Mom and Dad have been renovating their house and yard.  I believe this is do to the fact that they are both there for the majority of their time and started noticing things. 

-The In-laws moved closer to the cities. My father in law has taken up squirrel assassination missions. 

That is but a brief overview.  Needless to say, I'm glad to be back here so I can get this out as it happens like a normal blogger. 

-JY  

Brother, Can You Spare a Job? An Interview? Anything?

The Minnesota workforce centers are closed state wide do to the gov't shut down.  They provide assistance to unemployed people: classes on interviews, resumes, employment opportunities.  I have been looking for a job for 18 months now and haven't gotten a single interview; just a collection of thank you emails from companies for sending in an application and my resume.

Is it better to cold call or pound the pavement?  Is it OK just to walk in and ask?  Or do I need to make arrangements beforehand?  Wither by internet or newspaper.  It seems that if you ask five HR people, you'll get five different answers to each question. With no repeats!  THAT is what frustrates me more then anything.  You can't create a strategy and stick with it.  You have to constantly change up what you're doing.  You need to have a dozen or more variations on your resume/cover letter depending on what you are going for.  Green lights for one interviewer are red lights to another.  Worst of all you don't get any feed back afterward because that requires calling and that makes you seem desperate and that turns them off to you.  WHY???? Why does wanting the job make you not a fit??????  Why does wanting to please make them not consider you????  And don't get me started on those questioners where you have 50 minutes to fill out 100 questions and there questions you really have to think about but you can't you need to finish in the time limit, and worst of all half the questions have nothing to do with the job you're applying for!!!!!  And they'll repeat the same one worded 10 different ways.   AAARRRAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes it feels like I have to blackmail or threaten someone to even get a foot in the door.  We're in end of my rope territory here.  I just don't know what else to do.  

A CPAP For All Seasons

To insure the best fit, this man has no nose.

This fine morning I went down to Arrow-med and received my new CPAP machine.  For those of you wondering, the machine forces moisturized air through your wind pipe, forcing it to stay fully open thus counter acting the sleep apnea which restricts air flow and leads to you sounding like a grizzly with bronchitis operating a buzz saw under a 747.  This ups oxygen in the blood and helps you slumber the sleep of comas.   

The element most important to the success is the mask.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  From small nose only models to full face masks that look like the diving helmets from The Abyss.  The best way to describe how it feels is how Tia put it, "drowning on air".  You feel like you're going to suffocate even though you can feel air coming in.  The machine I have starts low and then adjusts to my "prescribed pressure" as I fall asleep.  There is an unusual feeling in breathing in and out and not being able to tell its happening.  The first mask on my nose pulsated like a frog's throat sack, and the pressure was way too high.  After several adjustments and breathing exercises out of a Lamaze book, we had the right one.   

When I was younger I had this bizarre ability to stay up for a couple days at a time with out aid from caffeine.  I did this so as to have more time to myself and equal out time I was happy with time I was sad (aka in school).  As I've gotten older, sleep is more important, a nap now and again is good for the mind.  I wonder what I'll be like with more energy?  I might get off my ass and exercise.  And losing weight may even undo the need for the CPAP!  Or nor.  We'll see.